Does this turn you on?


Are you an Anorak?

I was standing in CNA last week, laughing at Muscle Max magazines, which is a ritual of mine. I was immediately distracted by a panting noise close by. It actually sounded like a snore crossed with a lazy Sunday morning fart. Only an extremely obese fuck bound to a bed for eternity could sound that bad. My face contorted in disgust as I looked to my left. It was a train spotter, in Menlyn CNA!!! Taking cover behind a finance newspaper stand, I began to spot the train spotter.

The man must have been around thirty-five or so. Blue checkered shirt that could easily be used as high school cartesian paper, old shagged tracksuit pants and strapped rocky sandals. To put the cherry on top, he had real flip up glasses. I stared on in shock. Judging by his face, he must have been in the most excruciating pain. His lips were contorted, tongue hanging lazily on the edge of his lower lip. Upper lip forming an arch exposing his bright yellow teeth. The weight of the coke bottle lenses caused it to occasionally slip to the tip of his nose, but was reset by his thick sausage fore finger. He was reading a model train magazine. On the front cover was a picture an old fart sitting on a model steam train. Every now and then his panting would become more rigorous as he turned a page, he would then look round the shop to make sure nobody was looking, like it was a sin to read model train magazines. His 4 cm pupils magnified by his lenses focused on me. He immediately put the magazine back and left the shop in a hurry. Who was he? I wanted go over and ask, “Hey you, are you a train spotter?” Though I figured he might have had a stroke and collapsed if I did.

Train spotters are almost extinct in South Africa. They don’t fit the image of a hard core British one that wears an Anorak and writes down the times of trains that pass by in his Moleskine pocket book. Though the South African version does share some of the Asperges traits. But how do you know whether or not someone close to you is a modern day Anorak? Should you put in a mental home?

It most definitely is a sickness and yes, you should either punish the person or use him for menial labour. There’s quite a few examples in ‘101 uses for a John Major’ by Patrick Wright.

Before you send your Anorak to a home, you need to understand what an Anorak is. Heres the Wikipedia explanation:
In British Slang an anorak (pronounced /ˈænəræk/) is a person, typically a man, who is an enthusiast interested in information regarded as boring or unfathomable by the rest of the population. The most popular idea of an Anorak is a train spotter, someone who stands next to a railway and writes down the time and the trains number in a small book as it passes by. Though an anorak can have an obsession with other things such as bottle caps, sirens, little girls and for the hard core, fridge door seals.

If your loved one has three or more of the following, you should start worrying:

- Flip Up Glasses. If the glasses come with a third set of magnifying lenses, then you should distract him with a magazine about Pocket Watches, lead him into the garage, strap him inside the car allow the exhaust fumes to send him to a more exciting place.
- Moon Bag.
- Blue checkered collar shirt. If it is tucked in, then this counts as two points.
- Tracksuit pants from the 80's with a faint brown strip running up the lower crack area.
- A pocket watch. Any real anorak will be able to tell you how old it is, its worth, its weight, how many jewels it has inside and how many split seconds it will lose between now and the next time some old fart takes his antique Spitfire for a flight.
- A vintage Carrera Tag watch. If it has sieman stains on it, then there is no help.
- Messy hair
- Receding hairline
- Pedophile stare
- A recumbent bicycle, if it folds too, then shoot the bastard.
- A steering wheel with a turning knob attached to it.
- Member of a local Air Base volunteer club such as “Friends of SAAF”
- VIP card for a war museum
- Leica Camera

Where does he 'hang out'?

Places where an anorak wouldn't go:

- Friday night Hatfield, clubbing at Dropzone
- A Bulls match at Loftus
- A yoga session at Virgin Active
- Spar, they normally get mom to do the shopping.
- Sunday night illegal street racing on Church street
- News Cafe

Places you could find Anoraks:

- Zwartkops Airbase (Friends of SAAF)
- The Johannesburg War Museum
- Suitcase shops that sell small wallets and moonbags
- Cape Union Mart, especially the ones with an extensive pocket knife range.
- A rooftop on an abandoned building in town
- Toy Shops
- Car shows
- Flying a microlite, watching a train from above.
- Finally, the streets. There's a local Anorak that walks to work on Lynnwood road everyday from 5:49am to 6:12am. Don't make eye contact!

Next, don’t confuse a ‘Nerd’ with an ‘Anorak’. Nerds are usually losers by choice, mainly because of poor self confidence. They actually take time to part their hair and tuck their shirts in because they do actually care how they look. Anoraks tuck their shirts in to stop their pants from falling off and wear glasses because they need to, for looking at stuff.

- Nerds usually socialize within a community at Warhammer games or LARP (Live Action Role Playing), anoraks are always alone with their narrow hobby.
- Nerds have shit taste in music, techno, death metal, etc. Anoraks prefer the sound of a jet engine, train whistles and fog horns.
- Nerds can make eye contact, Anoraks can't
- Nerds like women but can’t get them. Anoraks don’t like women, but shag whores anyway.
- Nerds are on Facebook, anoraks are part of MOTH even if they didn’t fight in any of the World Wars.
- Real nerds like whacking off to anime and Japanese porn, anoraks prefer whacking off to fighter jet books and train posters in the back of Exclusive Books.
- Nerds eventually grow up, anoraks never grow up and prefer to stay in their mothers house.

I don't know if being an Anorak is the result of a traumatic childhood or being born without a personality. I do know that they are out there, not making the world a better place, but making it a more confusing one.